that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
