Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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