Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
