see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Too much gin, very little bucket
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
