I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
