Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
