she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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