I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
