my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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