And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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