Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
he was CRYING into my vagina
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
