in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
