I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
