I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
