I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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