im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
