Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
