the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
But theres a keg here and me gusta
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
