I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
