He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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