it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
