Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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