I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
