the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
