I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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