Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
