hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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