Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
We're too hungover to prance.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i think i just lost a toe
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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