im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
