Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
