I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
