Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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