Hey man sorry I got all grabby
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
