it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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