Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
