what day is it and did you see me today?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize