Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
