we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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