i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You made out with two different species that night
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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