Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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