Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
