Christians are straight up FREAKS
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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