you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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