You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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