see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
