Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
