So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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