dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
