Barsexuality is the new black.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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