I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
