I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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