If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
