I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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