Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
