i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
