She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
And my parents said I crawled through the house
did i just pee glitter
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize